The Fear Of Falling Apart
by LanaBannana
Summary: Dan recently cheated on Phil. Basically a song inspired one shot from Panic At The Disco's new song, "This Is Gospel." Phan, of course.
1. This is gospel

**A/N: okay first off, im in love with Panic at the discos new single "This Is Gospel" and i just had to express my feelings for it (and of course what better is it to express your love for something through writing? ) so I'm about to be attempting my first song inspired phanfic ^^ not sure how its going to turn out, but here we go c: i take no credit for patd's lyrics. they are rightfully theirs.**

_This is gospel for the fallen ones  
Locked away in permanent slumber  
Assembling their philosophies  
From pieces of broken memories_

Dan sat at the edge of his bed, head in his hands as the shouting continued. The echoes of Phil's yells and cries bounced off his walls, almost suffocating him in the endless lies he told. They swirled around him, haunting him while the memories of him and Phil together would soon be set to fire. He hadn't meant to cheat. No one meant it when they were drunk and alone sat in a local bar. A couple of drinks and Dan had more than a few guys and girls hitting on him. With his drunken state of mind, it felt as if he hadn't had one ounce of control left in his body to stop himself. The guy he cheated on with Phil tried to contact Dan, asking for a "round two." But before Dan could explain and apoligize for his drunk self, Phil ended up finding out.

He didn't even know what to do at that exact moment when Phil found out. All he knew how to do was sit there like the pathetic and useless person he was, not even bothering to defend himself. What kind of person would cheat on the one they truly loved? The one who could actually _see_ both the inside and out of you?

Moments had passed on and soon the flat went completely silent. The silence to him was utterly terrifying and the only thing Dan could hear was the aching of his non-deserving heart.

_this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_

Bringing his hands up to his slightly curled strands of hair, he began to angrily run it through them. If only he hadn't been so stupid. If only the guy he slept with had said no. If only he could be strong and at least tell Phil how much he actually meant to him.

_When gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds _  
_But they haven't seen the best of us yet_

A small tear escaped his eyes, the miserable and pained look upon his face slightly fading. A kind and gentle voice inside his head egged him on to go out there. To face Phil. He honestly didn't know if he could look at poor Phil's mournful, innocent face. The one he had betrayed. And to just look him in the eyes would be agonizing.

Although with a bit of self motivation, which he didn't have very much left of, he pushed himself up off the sunken bed and slowly crept over to the door. His ear was leaned against it, trying to make out some noise in reassurance that Phil was still out there, but instead got nothing in response.

A hand was placed to the knob of the door, turning it to pull the door wide open. His desperation had gotten to the best of him and he started to quietly sob once he saw nothing or no one in sight. Not even his precious, his one and only Phil.

"Phil, please," A choked and needy voice was heard, but only to bounce right back at himself. Dan felt himself slipping, grasping onto the wall for support but it refused to hold him. With a loud _thump__, _he had collapsed to the ground. The realization swept over him. Phil wasn't here.

_If you love me let me go_

"Phil, I know you aren't here. I know that you're probably out there catching the nearest taxi to get the hell away from me. But I need to admit, not only to you but to myself that I.. I-I lov-"

"I love you," Another voice spoke from across the hallway. Not only was the voice choked and tearful, just like his own, but god was it beautiful. The voice he knew oh so well, the voice that would and always be owned to his Phil.

"I love you so, _so_ fucking much, Dan." The voice cried out to him, before the both of them finally broke. Dan wouldn't wait another moment before pulling himself off the ground and running down to the end of the hallway to meet Phil's embrace. His arms wrapped around the slightly shorter boy's waist as his lips crashed down onto Phil's softer ones full of need. The kiss wasn't out of lust or romance for that matter, but full of the pain and desperation of their broken relationship. Small gasps and breaths of air were taken as neither of the boy's refused to let go of the others lips; afraid they'd loose each other yet again.

It didn't take long for the subject of Dan's cheating to pop up into Phil's mind, which quickly ended the passion filled kiss. When Dan had finally looked deep into Phil's eyes, he noticed the hurt and the misery that swarmed them.

Just by looking at Phil's eyes, Dan knew why they looked as if each moment Phil looked at Dan, suffered him.

"No, no, no, please Phil. Please don't do this." Dan whispered, his whole body numb. He could feel Phil's body detach from him and gradually move away from him. It was then when Dan had finally noticed the packed bags sitting by the door of the flat they use to call "their own."

_'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars_

Dan watched, silent tears slipping down his cheeks as Phil picked up his packed bags with one hand, his other reaching for the knob to escape himself from the flat and into the real world.

_And truth be told, I never was yours_

The gentle slam of the door told more than what it had meant to do, leaving Dan in hysterics and Phil alone to fend for himself while he was away.

Phil didn't know when he'd be back, or if he'd ever be back. It killed him, mentally and physically each time he glanced into those molten brown eyes. No matter the distance, no matter the doing, Phil still loved Dan. And Dan still loved Phil.

_The fear of falling apart.._


	2. Come back home

**a/n: i made a squeal so it would be at least a happier ending yay ~ the song i used for this part is Come Back Home by The Icarus Account**

It had been about a month since Phil had walked out on Dan. They haven't spoken to each other in what seemed like years. Dan was barley holding onto the thread that held his life. Dan was weak without Phil around, almost like all of his energy was lost. When Phil had left him not only did he take his heart, but he took his whole life away. Phil was his whole life. He quit doing youtube because every time he thought about it memories of Phil fled back to him. Their first video together, when they first met.. Dan couldn't bare it. The only reason he was still alive was to only hope that Phil would come back to him.

Dan mostly spent his current days clinging to his phone, curled up on the couch. Nobody really cared for him anymore. No one called him or texted him. But Dan felt that if he left his phone somewhere, Phil might call and he would miss it. Although, Phil never did call. Not once. Dan grew more and more depressed as the days went on. He didn't keep track of the days anymore. He didn't know whether it had been a month or a decade since he had last seen Phil. The sparkling blue eyes that Dan knew now turned cold and distant. The agonizing look in Phil's eyes when they shared their last kiss haunted him. The one thing he didn't want was to ever lose Phil and thats exactly what he had happend.

On this particular day, Dan was curled up on the couch holding his phone close to him as if it were Phil, like what he'd spent doing most days. The whole flat was silent, not a noise to be heard throughout the time that the older boy had been gone. Although as Dan's crazed mind started to drift off into some kind of slumber, he thought he had heard a slight ringing in the back of his mind. The ring echoed out into his ear, making his eyes dart open to see a bright light coming from the object he held in his hands. The blinding light of his phone made him squint, only to see a name scrawled across the middle. The endless ringing continued as he just gaze down at the name on the screen.

_I got, the call,_  
_Needless to say I lost it all._  
_Five fears, like that,_  
_I wonder if he's coming back, to me._

Dan's heart fluttered to a stop once he read the name, mentally slapping himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. With shaking hands, he lifted the phone up to his ear and pressed the answer button. Silence ran through the phone, not one of them spoke. Dan for one physically couldn't speak, he was in too much awe to see Phil actually calling him. The way that Phil left him, Dan thought he would never get to even speak to Phil again.

"…Dan?"

There was a pause before he heard Phil's warming voice in his ear. Just his voice alone sent tingles down his spine. The voice he needed to hear for the past month had finally spoken.

_And I swear I love you more and more, With every breath I breathe._

"Yeah?" Dan managed to speak out to the phone, holding back the overwhelming tears that threatened to fall. He could have said a majority of things right then. He could have begged for Phil to come home, to tell Phil how much he loved him. But all he responded with was a simple "_yeah_". That was all he could manage to say without falling to pieces right then and there.

_"_Can…Can I..come back?"

_So come back home, Just come back home. And darling, don't you see that we,Were always meant to be._

The words that came out of Phil's mouth was like getting a second chance at life. Dan had no words to express the amount of bliss he felt at that moment. Even if things wouldn't be the same as it was, Dan would still have his Phil. No matter who Phil would be with, No matter the relationship status, Phil would always be his.

_I hope to god,_  
_That he loves you just the way you want him to, you want him to._  
_But know that he,_  
_Will never love you like me, love like me._

_"_Please, come back." Dan's voice came out as a whisper before he heard the buzzing that signaled the end of the call. A small, barley audible whimper escaped Dan's lips as the sound of the door to the flat opened. He heard Phil call out to him, but he couldn't respond.

It was then when Dan witnessed the pale, blue eyed boy that came into his view. He noticed the similar bags under Phil's eyes to show how little sleep he got. The slightly messed up fringe that told every toss and turn he had at night.

They didn't speak, of course. There was nothing really to be said. The moment was filled with pure loss and comfort.

Without hesitation, Phil slid in to fill the empty space next to Dan. Soothing arms folded around Dan's fragile body and at that moment he felt love.

Love isn't formed by the relationship alone, but by how much the heart aches for that person. When Dan was left alone, it showed how weak he was without Phil. He really could have done whatever he wanted. He could have made the same mistake he had last time, but his heart wouldn't allow him to. He loved the boy that lay next to him and refused to let some silly little guy he met while he was drunk come between them.

_I swear I'll always love you,_  
_Even if you don't love me._

Dan glanced up to see Phil's now shining blue eyes staring down at him. He smiled only to himself once he saw the light he had wished to see finally back in Phil's eyes. Dan shuffled closer to Phil, wrapping his own arms tightly around the boy just because he could. To others, it may have looked like they were holding each other for dear life, but to them it showed the desperate need of having love.

Without knowing, Dan's eyes started closing, along with Phil's while they stayed laid out on the couch together. Dan could feel the energy rising back into him just from Phil being so close to him. But they both needed sleep, noting the sullen, tired eyes of them both. Dan hadn't known what day it were, or even if it was daytime or nighttime. All he cared about right here and now was holding and caring for his Phil until they would both fall into a peaceful, comforting sleep.

_So go be free,_  
_But come back home to me. _


End file.
